Exercise

Keiran and I went on a long walk today to a near by park and we played for about an hour, had a little picnic, and then she walked for about a quarter mile then strolled the rest of the way to Central Market where we ate dinner then walked home in the dark! It was a great day.

I took a really long shower after I put her to bed, and in the shower was caught by surprise when I thought to myself, "I feel really good after walking so much today. I don't have the guilt of laying around all day and I actually physically feel better."

I wanted to document this so I could read it later and be reminded.

Oh January...

January is a real pain in my ass. I think about my resolutions but really haven't been great with keeping them all. I think I need daily (maybe hourly?!) reminders of what they are and why they are important.

I haven't had any fast food this year, so that's good. Today I'm going to start tracking calories and making good food choices. Yesterday I had a cheeseburger and fries (my fave) for lunch and later in the day decided that I couldn't have another one til I lose 2 pounds.

I've had bad cedar allergies off and on and a sore throat for 2 days so when I'm feeling better I can start the exercise component.

Yesterday I got a headache from not drinking enough water. Huge wake up call.

It's happening. Slowly...

2012

I thought I'd check in with myself and with you... I'm doing pretty good with my resolutions. Haven't had any fast food, and surprisingly (due to some positive thinking) I don't really miss it. I have been to a couple stores and remembered the no shopping gluttony resolution and put a few unnecessary things back and left the store since I had what I needed. It felt good. The no food gluttony is taking a little longer to sink in... old engrained habits do die hard.

I haven't exercised as much as I should but I'm about to remedy that with some personal training from my friend Lauren, who is about to get her PT license.

Positive thinking is crazy. I never knew the power of my own mind until the past couple days of being determined to think more positively.

One a separate note, I have really been feeling the weight (no pun intended) of the weight I've gained recently. I felt like I'd gained 10 pounds. Well, this evening I hopped on the scale... and even though I had clothes on and it was the end of the day, it was much more than I was expecting. I'm not going to say how much here (because it's too depressing to see in print, the scale was bad enough) but it ain't cool. I need to lose 40 pounds. For real.

No more excuses. Working out regularly will be physically hard. But I am not going to let it be mentally hard. I did this to myself, and I can undo it myself. I had a baby, and my mom died 7 months later. I'm cutting myself some slack for the disgusting weight gain. But this is as far as it goes.
No more excuses.

It's that time of year...

The end of the year when everyone gets all reflective and starts making resolutions. I'm no different. Part of me would like to be like one of those pretentious people who say that resolutions are silly, and that you should be making changes and recommitting all year round, blah blah blah. But the truth is the end of the year effects me the same way it does most people... and historically, the end of March has effected me the same too, that's about the time the resolutions start to wear off. Not 2012. This year has to be different. This year WILL be different. My life needs a full overhaul. Here are my resolutions:

• Less gluttony (food, shopping)
• More reading
• Less TV
• More creating (sewing, painting, crafting, writing)
• Less negativity
• More music
• More cooking
• No fast food
• More good hygiene
• More exercise
• Less laziness
• More productivity
• Think positive thoughts
• Show more appreciation
• Let things go

"If something is important to you you'll find a way, if it isn't you'll find an excuse."

I've been making excuses for so long. Seriously, years. I'm done living that way. I'm done with the consequences that brings. I'm done being fat and unhealthy. I'm done fighting with and being angry at my husband all the time. I'm done being lazy. I'm done wishing my house was cleaner but doing nothing about it on a regular basis.

DONE! You hear me, 2012?!? You hear me, future me???!?!? 

Crock Pot Freezer Meals

One day, tons of chopping, makes 10 crock pot meals. I'm taking it on!

First, I did not make these up I got them from here & here. I am putting them together on my blog to keep track, since I'm using recipes from both. My husband is on vacation so I am going to try this 'big cook day' thing while I have help and see how it works for us. 










No-Peeking Peking Chicken 

8 bone in chicken thighs 
salt and pepper 
3/4 cup chopped scallions 
4 cloves garlic 
1/4 cups soy sauce 
3 tbsp. honey 
1 tbsp. ginger 
1/4 tsp sesame oil 
1 bag frozen corn kernels 
1 bag frozen snow pea pods 
1 red pepper chopped 


*Update: This is the best one we've had so far. It wasn't amazing but no complaints. I made some white rice to add and everyone that ate it couldn't imagine the dish without it. Plus, it makes it go further.


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Chicken and Corn Soup 

1 lb red potatoes 
1 lb sweet potatoes 
4 lbs chicken thighs 
4 cups chicken broth (which I will add the morning of) 
4 scallions 
4 cloves garlic 
salt and pepper 
1 bag half ears of frozen corn 
2 red peppers chopped 


*update: This one is okay. After it was done cooking I cut the corn off the cobs and mixed it. Nothing special, but it's dinner.


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Roast and Vegetables 

2 lb chuck roast, cut into cubes 
1 teaspoon salt 
1/8 teaspoon pepper 
1 large onion cut into 8ths 
1 bag baby carrots 
1/2 teaspoon celery or onion salt 
1 teaspoon Italian seasoning 
1 (4 ounce) can sliced mushrooms, DO NOT DRAIN 
2 cans condensed tomato soup 
2 beef boullion cubes, softened 
1 can Rotel tomatoes 
1 can whole kernel corn, DRAINED 
6-8 small red potatoes, cubed 


*Update: I didn't eat any of this but the husband says: dry, bland, carrots were not good after having been frozen, not enough juice, and the meat was tough. It wasn't very good.


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Garlic Chicken 

2 pounds chicken thighs 
2 cloves minced garlic 
4 tablespoons dijon mustard 
2 tablespoons lime juice 
1 medium onion 
2 large green peppers 
1 red pepper 
1 zucchini 

Mix all of the ingredients for each recipe together and divide evenly into two, 1 gallon sized freezer bags per recipe. Seal, and freeze. On the day of, thaw the bag on the counter for about 30 minutes, dump into the crockpot, and cook on low for 6-8 hours.


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Healthy Mama Barbecue Chicken

3 medium unpeeled  sweet potatoes, cut into 1/2 inch pieces
2 large green pepper, cut into strips
1 large red pepper, cut into strips
1 zucchini, chopped
1 medium onion, sliced
1 tablespoon quick cooking tapioca
2 pounds chicken thighs or drumsticks
1 8-ounce can of tomato sauce
2 tablespoons packed brown sugar
1 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
1 tablespoon yellow mustard 
1 clove garlic, minced
1/4 teaspoon salt




*update: I have no idea why they call this barbecue, I had this thought when I was putting it together. Seriously, it's chicken, spices, and veggies. Nothing bbq about it, and it isn't that good. Won't be making this one again. Our two year old liked it, but that's not saying much, she thinks the sun shines out of black beans' ass.

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Dump everything into two gallon freezer bags, shake it up, seal, label and put in the freezer. EXCEPT the sour cream, that is for garnish after the meal is cooked.

Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree.

Cory wanted to get a real tree this year. I didn't. I've had a fake tree all my adult life and I was fine with it. When I was a kid my mom and I (since we were poor) would go to the tree lot on Christmas Eve eve and get a really cheap or free tree and go home and put it up. I remembered the needles falling off and making a mess, I remember having to water that stupid thing. I remember it being a pain in the ass.

I finally gave in and agreed (to waste money) and get a real tree this year. So we go, and I'm in a great mood... and then I smell the trees and WHAM --the last time you smelled this smell you were with your mom and times were good. I teared up a bit and had to take a deep breath. Cory asked me what was wrong I said, "My mom is dead and there are trees here." He knew not to say anything more even though what I said really made no sense. Then we walked into the tent full of trees and completely unexpectedly 3 seconds after recovering from what I thought would be the worst of it... I saw all these trees and was immediately thrust back into my childhood and running through the trees with my mom. Tears. Balling. I had to leave. I went outside and just stood there in the parking lot and cried and cried and cried. I haven't cried this hard in months. I remembered the needles and the watering, but I forgot all about the fun we used to have picking out the tree, the smell, and the huge smile on my moms face when she saw the huge smile on my face because I had a Christmas tree. Those moments when she was a great mom who did whatever she could to make her daughter happy. I used to love these moments when I remembered things like that, because I would call her and we'd talk about it and she would always add something to the memory, the real story behind something or just sit in the moment and enjoy it with me. But I can't call her now and it just kills me. When is this ever going to get easier?

Ungrateful asshole

I was about to write a blog about how much I miss my old life because I went boot shopping with Keiran in tow and it made me miss the days I could just spend all day shopping until I found what I was looking for.

Wow. It made me feel like such an ungrateful asshole. I've decided to turn it around and count the things about this scenario that I have to be grateful for, the things I am lucky to have.

1. The ability to go boot shopping because we have enough money.
2. I have two legs to use to walk and put boots on.
3. A beautiful and awesome daughter whose presence does sometimes invoke feelings (ridden with guilt) of missing my old life.
4. And that's all I got.

I'm trying to commit myself to the positive feelings and not dwell on the negative shit. Is it working??

I'm doing it - I'm saying the things that are floating around in my head.

Who the hell have I become?

I'm fat. I'm about 50 pounds overweight and I disgust myself but I can't bring myself to really do anything about it. I make excuses for not exercising and I just eat whatever the hell I want and decide to worry about it later. Well, when the fuck is later going to come?

I don't care about anything anymore... not my succulents, not house work, not personal hygiene, not sex with my partner, not really anything. I care about my daughter because, well I don't even have to explain that. But I've even been getting lazy when it comes to her sometimes, nothing bad or neglectful, just not giving it my all.

I obsessively think about all the things I "should" do but then just do the opposite. I'm  lazy.

I argue with Cory when I should just be nice. I take things out on him, when I can't identify my feelings and be honest about them I just react with anger. I'm more comfortable with anger than sadness, or any other emotion really.

I want to sew and do crafts and read books, but I don't. I just sit in front of the TV or computer and get more pointless input.

I know I shouldn't be spending money and buying things I don't need but I do it anyway. I had the problem licked for awhile, but the last couple of weeks it's rearing it's ugly head.

I really don't like myself these days. I've been feeling really depressed for about a month now. It sucks. I don't know what to do to change or try to feel better and actually do the things I've been pushing to the back burner.

Mama's sewing kit

There was a reason I waited 10 months to go through my moms sewing kit. Tonight I found out why....

It's a salmon colored box that I remember so clearly from my childhood and it was one of the first things I thought of when going through her things after she died that I wanted to find and had hoped she didn't get rid over the years (I wasn't too worried, she never got rid of anything :) There were so many little things in this box that most people would find insignificant at best. But there is so much of who she was in these things that I found it crippling to go through them. I found many, many spools of thread, safety pins, needles... the things you'd expect to find in a 25+ year old sewing kit. It's the things that didn't belong that really got me.

A hot pink uni-ball pen. She loved uni-ball pens, she kept them everywhere, including her sewing kit! She never liked boring colors, so of course I wasn't surprised to find a hot pink pen.

A ticket from the Ringling Bros. Circus from 1999. It makes me sad that it was something significant enough for her to save the stub (in her sewing kit?), but I can't remember the trip to the circus. I was 20, so maybe I didn't go, but I don't know why she saved this stub... and I never will.

Two pairs of the gloves you get in a hair coloring kit still attached and folded in with the instructions. This one was my favorite of all the random finds. She always saved these at the off chance she could use the gloves for something later. She always had to use two kits when coloring her hair, so only needed the one pair of gloves. I colored my hair for 14 years before I got pregnant and I did the same thing.

A container of SortKwik fingertip moistener. My mom worked in a mail shop most of my childhood and would frequently bring sorting jobs home, and take me to work with her. We had these things everywhere. Maybe she was so used to using them with paper she needed them for sewing? Again, I'll never know.

Lastly, and this one really, really got me. She had taped one of her horoscopes to the inside of the kit and this is what it said:

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

I'm going to have to insist that you turn in your underachiever credentials, Virgo. You're just no longer a good candidate for feeling sorry for yourself. Mars, the planet that rules goose bumps, is swooping through your astrological House of Unwrapped Self-Esteem, filling you with the bizarre yet true notion that you might actually be primed to earn more money and appreciation from doing what you love. Meanwhile, Jupiter, the planet that never fails to expand your kick-ass courage, has barged into your House of Shivery Possibilities. This is the time and this is the place, my increasingly bold friend, to dare what has always seemed impossible before.

I do know why she kept that and taped it up. Anyone that knew her well will know too, and I'll keep that private out of respect for her. It's not hard to figure out though.

These funny little things about my mom are going to be forgotten, among other things I'm sure, because she's gone and when she was here none of these little things would have been a blip on any radar but all this stuff matters to me so much more now. All the smallest things really mean something, because her story is over and all we can do is just think about what we remember of it, and try to hold onto them because it feels like you are holding onto her. I don't want to forget these things. I miss her so much and I need to remember the little things about her that make up the amazing and unique person that she was.

A list of things that annoy me:

1. Cory leaves tiny messes for me all over the house. All the time, no matter what I say to him. It's like I have 2 kids.
2. I cannot blog from my iPhone or iPad without clicking the edit HTML tab.
3. I feel like my house is where random things come to die, and where clutter is King.
4. When I feel motivated to do something about it I quit half way through feeling completely defeated.
5. Every time I want to surf the web on my iPad I have to turn the wireless off then back on. Every time.