It's been 6 months.

Today was a pretty good day and then my dad reminded me that today is the 6 month anniversary of my moms death. All of a sudden I feel incredibly sad and depressed.

1. It does not get easier every day.
2. In fact, it feels harder lately than it did in the early days.
3. Sometimes I am still completely floored by the fact that my mom is not alive anymore, that I can't just pick up the phone and call her. She is gone. Forever.
4. We are building a garden and planting things and I can't even cope with it. I can't even think about the fact that my mom isn't here for my first garden without crying and feeling completely empty inside and like I don't want anything to do with that garden at all. Right now it's just a bunch of dirt... but I know that eventually it will be a garden with leaves and that hole inside me will just get bigger.
5. For some reason numbering these is making me feel a little bit better, it doesn't really make any sense, but I don't really care.
6. Gardening was my moms thing. She loved it and she was good at it. She even became a Travis County Master Gardener. I can't count how many times she and I talked about my first garden and how excited she was that she would help me with it... but she's not going to help me with it because she's dead. Because she drank so much that her body couldn't take it anymore and it stopped working. She robbed me of all the things she promised me.
7. My daughter won't know her Grama and my mom is missing all these cute things she does and I am missing out on those moments when you share your child with your mother and she can tell me how Keiran does things like I did. I don't get any of that.