I'm having anxiety about the first birthday without my mother. My birthday was always such a big deal for the both of us and we always spent it together. Who spends their whole birthday with their mother all the way into their late 20's? I did. I loved it. I couldn't understand why everyone wouldn't want to spend the anniversary of the day they were born with the person who gave birth to them.
We haven't spent my birthday together in a couple years... Mama was in rehab for my 30th birthday and I went to Vegas. Last year, for my 31st we weren't speaking. And this year she is dead. I can't handle that I don't even have the option to be with her. I won't even get a phone call from her like I have every year of my life. It's depressing. It's the most depressing thing I've ever felt.
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