Cory wanted to get a real tree this year. I didn't. I've had a fake tree all my adult life and I was fine with it. When I was a kid my mom and I (since we were poor) would go to the tree lot on Christmas Eve eve and get a really cheap or free tree and go home and put it up. I remembered the needles falling off and making a mess, I remember having to water that stupid thing. I remember it being a pain in the ass.
I finally gave in and agreed (to waste money) and get a real tree this year. So we go, and I'm in a great mood... and then I smell the trees and WHAM --the last time you smelled this smell you were with your mom and times were good. I teared up a bit and had to take a deep breath. Cory asked me what was wrong I said, "My mom is dead and there are trees here." He knew not to say anything more even though what I said really made no sense. Then we walked into the tent full of trees and completely unexpectedly 3 seconds after recovering from what I thought would be the worst of it... I saw all these trees and was immediately thrust back into my childhood and running through the trees with my mom. Tears. Balling. I had to leave. I went outside and just stood there in the parking lot and cried and cried and cried. I haven't cried this hard in months. I remembered the needles and the watering, but I forgot all about the fun we used to have picking out the tree, the smell, and the huge smile on my moms face when she saw the huge smile on my face because I had a Christmas tree. Those moments when she was a great mom who did whatever she could to make her daughter happy. I used to love these moments when I remembered things like that, because I would call her and we'd talk about it and she would always add something to the memory, the real story behind something or just sit in the moment and enjoy it with me. But I can't call her now and it just kills me. When is this ever going to get easier?
I finally gave in and agreed (to waste money) and get a real tree this year. So we go, and I'm in a great mood... and then I smell the trees and WHAM --the last time you smelled this smell you were with your mom and times were good. I teared up a bit and had to take a deep breath. Cory asked me what was wrong I said, "My mom is dead and there are trees here." He knew not to say anything more even though what I said really made no sense. Then we walked into the tent full of trees and completely unexpectedly 3 seconds after recovering from what I thought would be the worst of it... I saw all these trees and was immediately thrust back into my childhood and running through the trees with my mom. Tears. Balling. I had to leave. I went outside and just stood there in the parking lot and cried and cried and cried. I haven't cried this hard in months. I remembered the needles and the watering, but I forgot all about the fun we used to have picking out the tree, the smell, and the huge smile on my moms face when she saw the huge smile on my face because I had a Christmas tree. Those moments when she was a great mom who did whatever she could to make her daughter happy. I used to love these moments when I remembered things like that, because I would call her and we'd talk about it and she would always add something to the memory, the real story behind something or just sit in the moment and enjoy it with me. But I can't call her now and it just kills me. When is this ever going to get easier?
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