the awesome jessica blog

Exercise

2012-01-22T22:23:00.004-06:00

Keiran and I went on a long walk today to a near by park and we played for about an hour, had a little picnic, and then she walked for about a quarter mile then strolled the rest of the way to Central Market where we ate dinner then walked home in the dark! It was a great day.

I took a really long shower after I put her to bed, and in the shower was caught by surprise when I thought to myself, "I feel really good after walking so much today. I don't have the guilt of laying around all day and I actually physically feel better."

I wanted to document this so I could read it later and be reminded.

Oh January...

2012-01-17T09:31:00.005-06:00

January is a real pain in my ass. I think about my resolutions but really haven't been great with keeping them all. I think I need daily (maybe hourly?!) reminders of what they are and why they are important.

I haven't had any fast food this year, so that's good. Today I'm going to start tracking calories and making good food choices. Yesterday I had a cheeseburger and fries (my fave) for lunch and later in the day decided that I couldn't have another one til I lose 2 pounds.

I've had bad cedar allergies off and on and a sore throat for 2 days so when I'm feeling better I can start the exercise component.

Yesterday I got a headache from not drinking enough water. Huge wake up call.

It's happening. Slowly...

2012

2012-01-03T22:25:00.000-06:00

I thought I'd check in with myself and with you... I'm doing pretty good with my resolutions. Haven't had any fast food, and surprisingly (due to some positive thinking) I don't really miss it. I have been to a couple stores and remembered the no shopping gluttony resolution and put a few unnecessary things back and left the store since I had what I needed. It felt good. The no food gluttony is taking a little longer to sink in... old engrained habits do die hard.

I haven't exercised as much as I should but I'm about to remedy that with some personal training from my friend Lauren, who is about to get her PT license.

Positive thinking is crazy. I never knew the power of my own mind until the past couple days of being determined to think more positively.

One a separate note, I have really been feeling the weight (no pun intended) of the weight I've gained recently. I felt like I'd gained 10 pounds. Well, this evening I hopped on the scale... and even though I had clothes on and it was the end of the day, it was much more than I was expecting. I'm not going to say how much here (because it's too depressing to see in print, the scale was bad enough) but it ain't cool. I need to lose 40 pounds. For real.

No more excuses. Working out regularly will be physically hard. But I am not going to let it be mentally hard. I did this to myself, and I can undo it myself. I had a baby, and my mom died 7 months later. I'm cutting myself some slack for the disgusting weight gain. But this is as far as it goes.
No more excuses.

It's that time of year...

2011-12-31T08:28:00.001-06:00

The end of the year when everyone gets all reflective and starts making resolutions. I'm no different. Part of me would like to be like one of those pretentious people who say that resolutions are silly, and that you should be making changes and recommitting all year round, blah blah blah. But the truth is the end of the year effects me the same way it does most people... and historically, the end of March has effected me the same too, that's about the time the resolutions start to wear off. Not 2012. This year has to be different. This year WILL be different. My life needs a full overhaul. Here are my resolutions:

Less gluttony (food, shopping)
More reading
Less TV
More creating (sewing, painting, crafting, writing)
Less negativity
More music
More cooking
No fast food
More good hygiene
More exercise
Less laziness
More productivity
Think positive thoughts
Show more appreciation
Let things go

"If something is important to you you'll find a way, if it isn't you'll find an excuse."

I've been making excuses for so long. Seriously, years. I'm done living that way. I'm done with the consequences that brings. I'm done being fat and unhealthy. I'm done fighting with and being angry at my husband all the time. I'm done being lazy. I'm done wishing my house was cleaner but doing nothing about it on a regular basis.

DONE! You hear me, 2012?!? You hear me, future me???!?!?

Crock Pot Freezer Meals

2011-12-30T12:17:00.000-06:00

One day, tons of chopping, makes 10 crock pot meals. I'm taking it on!

First, I did not make these up I got them from here & here. I am putting them together on my blog to keep track, since I'm using recipes from both. My husband is on vacation so I am going to try this 'big cook day' thing while I have help and see how it works for us.

No-Peeking Peking Chicken

8 bone in chicken thighs
salt and pepper
3/4 cup chopped scallions
4 cloves garlic
1/4 cups soy sauce
3 tbsp. honey
1 tbsp. ginger
1/4 tsp sesame oil
1 bag frozen corn kernels
1 bag frozen snow pea pods
1 red pepper chopped

*Update: This is the best one we've had so far. It wasn't amazing but no complaints. I made some white rice to add and everyone that ate it couldn't imagine the dish without it. Plus, it makes it go further.

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Chicken and Corn Soup

1 lb red potatoes
1 lb sweet potatoes
4 lbs chicken thighs
4 cups chicken broth (which I will add the morning of)
4 scallions
4 cloves garlic
salt and pepper
1 bag half ears of frozen corn
2 red peppers chopped

*update: This one is okay. After it was done cooking I cut the corn off the cobs and mixed it. Nothing special, but it's dinner.

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Roast and Vegetables

2 lb chuck roast, cut into cubes
1 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon pepper
1 large onion cut into 8ths
1 bag baby carrots
1/2 teaspoon celery or onion salt
1 teaspoon Italian seasoning
1 (4 ounce) can sliced mushrooms, DO NOT DRAIN
2 cans condensed tomato soup
2 beef boullion cubes, softened
1 can Rotel tomatoes
1 can whole kernel corn, DRAINED
6-8 small red potatoes, cubed

*Update: I didn't eat any of this but the husband says: dry, bland, carrots were not good after having been frozen, not enough juice, and the meat was tough. It wasn't very good.

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Garlic Chicken

2 pounds chicken thighs
2 cloves minced garlic
4 tablespoons dijon mustard
2 tablespoons lime juice
1 medium onion
2 large green peppers
1 red pepper
1 zucchini

Mix all of the ingredients for each recipe together and divide evenly into two, 1 gallon sized freezer bags per recipe. Seal, and freeze. On the day of, thaw the bag on the counter for about 30 minutes, dump into the crockpot, and cook on low for 6-8 hours.

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Healthy Mama Barbecue Chicken

3 medium unpeeled sweet potatoes, cut into 1/2 inch pieces
2 large green pepper, cut into strips
1 large red pepper, cut into strips
1 zucchini, chopped
1 medium onion, sliced
1 tablespoon quick cooking tapioca
2 pounds chicken thighs or drumsticks
1 8-ounce can of tomato sauce
2 tablespoons packed brown sugar
1 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
1 tablespoon yellow mustard
1 clove garlic, minced
1/4 teaspoon salt

*update: I have no idea why they call this barbecue, I had this thought when I was putting it together. Seriously, it's chicken, spices, and veggies. Nothing bbq about it, and it isn't that good. Won't be making this one again. Our two year old liked it, but that's not saying much, she thinks the sun shines out of black beans' ass.

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Dump everything into two gallon freezer bags, shake it up, seal, label and put in the freezer. EXCEPT the sour cream, that is for garnish after the meal is cooked.

Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree.

2011-12-07T07:27:00.001-06:00

Cory wanted to get a real tree this year. I didn't. I've had a fake tree all my adult life and I was fine with it. When I was a kid my mom and I (since we were poor) would go to the tree lot on Christmas Eve eve and get a really cheap or free tree and go home and put it up. I remembered the needles falling off and making a mess, I remember having to water that stupid thing. I remember it being a pain in the ass.

I finally gave in and agreed (to waste money) and get a real tree this year. So we go, and I'm in a great mood... and then I smell the trees and WHAM --the last time you smelled this smell you were with your mom and times were good. I teared up a bit and had to take a deep breath. Cory asked me what was wrong I said, "My mom is dead and there are trees here." He knew not to say anything more even though what I said really made no sense. Then we walked into the tent full of trees and completely unexpectedly 3 seconds after recovering from what I thought would be the worst of it... I saw all these trees and was immediately thrust back into my childhood and running through the trees with my mom. Tears. Balling. I had to leave. I went outside and just stood there in the parking lot and cried and cried and cried. I haven't cried this hard in months. I remembered the needles and the watering, but I forgot all about the fun we used to have picking out the tree, the smell, and the huge smile on my moms face when she saw the huge smile on my face because I had a Christmas tree. Those moments when she was a great mom who did whatever she could to make her daughter happy. I used to love these moments when I remembered things like that, because I would call her and we'd talk about it and she would always add something to the memory, the real story behind something or just sit in the moment and enjoy it with me. But I can't call her now and it just kills me. When is this ever going to get easier?

Ungrateful asshole

2011-11-12T12:45:00.001-06:00

I was about to write a blog about how much I miss my old life because I went boot shopping with Keiran in tow and it made me miss the days I could just spend all day shopping until I found what I was looking for.

Wow. It made me feel like such an ungrateful asshole. I've decided to turn it around and count the things about this scenario that I have to be grateful for, the things I am lucky to have.

The ability to go boot shopping because we have enough money.
I have two legs to use to walk and put boots on.
A beautiful and awesome daughter whose presence does sometimes invoke feelings (ridden with guilt) of missing my old life.
And that's all I got.

I'm trying to commit myself to the positive feelings and not dwell on the negative shit. Is it working??

I'm doing it - I'm saying the things that are floating around in my head.

2011-10-09T20:51:00.001-05:00

Who the hell have I become?

I'm fat. I'm about 50 pounds overweight and I disgust myself but I can't bring myself to really do anything about it. I make excuses for not exercising and I just eat whatever the hell I want and decide to worry about it later. Well, when the fuck is later going to come?

I don't care about anything anymore... not my succulents, not house work, not personal hygiene, not sex with my partner, not really anything. I care about my daughter because, well I don't even have to explain that. But I've even been getting lazy when it comes to her sometimes, nothing bad or neglectful, just not giving it my all.

I obsessively think about all the things I "should" do but then just do the opposite. I'm lazy.

I argue with Cory when I should just be nice. I take things out on him, when I can't identify my feelings and be honest about them I just react with anger. I'm more comfortable with anger than sadness, or any other emotion really.

I want to sew and do crafts and read books, but I don't. I just sit in front of the TV or computer and get more pointless input.

I know I shouldn't be spending money and buying things I don't need but I do it anyway. I had the problem licked for awhile, but the last couple of weeks it's rearing it's ugly head.

I really don't like myself these days. I've been feeling really depressed for about a month now. It sucks. I don't know what to do to change or try to feel better and actually do the things I've been pushing to the back burner.

Mama's sewing kit

2011-07-13T22:20:00.006-05:00

There was a reason I waited 10 months to go through my moms sewing kit. Tonight I found out why....

It's a salmon colored box that I remember so clearly from my childhood and it was one of the first things I thought of when going through her things after she died that I wanted to find and had hoped she didn't get rid over the years (I wasn't too worried, she never got rid of anything :) There were so many little things in this box that most people would find insignificant at best. But there is so much of who she was in these things that I found it crippling to go through them. I found many, many spools of thread, safety pins, needles... the things you'd expect to find in a 25+ year old sewing kit. It's the things that didn't belong that really got me.

A hot pink uni-ball pen. She loved uni-ball pens, she kept them everywhere, including her sewing kit! She never liked boring colors, so of course I wasn't surprised to find a hot pink pen.

A ticket from the Ringling Bros. Circus from 1999. It makes me sad that it was something significant enough for her to save the stub (in her sewing kit?), but I can't remember the trip to the circus. I was 20, so maybe I didn't go, but I don't know why she saved this stub... and I never will.

Two pairs of the gloves you get in a hair coloring kit still attached and folded in with the instructions. This one was my favorite of all the random finds. She always saved these at the off chance she could use the gloves for something later. She always had to use two kits when coloring her hair, so only needed the one pair of gloves. I colored my hair for 14 years before I got pregnant and I did the same thing.

A container of SortKwik fingertip moistener. My mom worked in a mail shop most of my childhood and would frequently bring sorting jobs home, and take me to work with her. We had these things everywhere. Maybe she was so used to using them with paper she needed them for sewing? Again, I'll never know.

Lastly, and this one really, really got me. She had taped one of her horoscopes to the inside of the kit and this is what it said:

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

I'm going to have to insist that you turn in your underachiever credentials, Virgo. You're just no longer a good candidate for feeling sorry for yourself. Mars, the planet that rules goose bumps, is swooping through your astrological House of Unwrapped Self-Esteem, filling you with the bizarre yet true notion that you might actually be primed to earn more money and appreciation from doing what you love. Meanwhile, Jupiter, the planet that never fails to expand your kick-ass courage, has barged into your House of Shivery Possibilities. This is the time and this is the place, my increasingly bold friend, to dare what has always seemed impossible before.

I do know why she kept that and taped it up. Anyone that knew her well will know too, and I'll keep that private out of respect for her. It's not hard to figure out though.

These funny little things about my mom are going to be forgotten, among other things I'm sure, because she's gone and when she was here none of these little things would have been a blip on any radar but all this stuff matters to me so much more now. All the smallest things really mean something, because her story is over and all we can do is just think about what we remember of it, and try to hold onto them because it feels like you are holding onto her. I don't want to forget these things. I miss her so much and I need to remember the little things about her that make up the amazing and unique person that she was.

A list of things that annoy me:

2011-06-27T09:35:00.002-05:00

1. Cory leaves tiny messes for me all over the house. All the time, no matter what I say to him. It's like I have 2 kids.
2. I cannot blog from my iPhone or iPad without clicking the edit HTML tab.
3. I feel like my house is where random things come to die, and where clutter is King.
4. When I feel motivated to do something about it I quit half way through feeling completely defeated.
5. Every time I want to surf the web on my iPad I have to turn the wireless off then back on. Every time.

2011-06-05T21:12:00.002-05:00

Today Keiran walked up to a picture of my parents and pointed to my dad and said, "Gapa!" and then pointed to my mom and said, "Mama!"

She thought my mom was me. Because she knows my dad well, but she doesn't know my mom. That's the first time that fact really hit me. It burns.

my truth

2011-05-08T12:07:00.004-05:00

Two years ago when we got back from my 30th birthday in Vegas, we were so happy and in love and Cory whispered sweetly into my ear, "I'm going to ask you to marry me soon." It was truly a great time. Then a month later we found out I was pregnant. Could life get any better?? We were so happy we couldn't see straight... then things started to fall apart. The happiness gave way to hormones, emotions, anxiety about being parents, fighting more frequently, not feeling appreciated, and I could go on. It was a hard 9 months. Then we had our beautiful baby girl and the moment she came out we were thrusted back into that happy space again. We shared moments and admired our beautiful baby girl and were so happy and in love. Then parenthood came. Parenthood can ruin a relationship. More hormones, more anxiety, fighting even more frequently, really not feeling appreciated, and, again, I could go on. Then my mom died. If you thought things were sounding screwed up before, oh boy, have you not seen anything yet. I can't even type all the things that have been swirling around since that time.

I don't know if we can recover from this. We both desperately want a whole family for our daughter but not sure if we can attain that. My relationship is hanging on by a very thin fraying thread. That is my truth. I just needed to say it.

It's ok to not be happy, it's ok that we aren't perfect. We have always embraced the fucked-up-ness of life, but what now?

Fucked up

2011-05-02T20:39:00.003-05:00

If you believe that 9/11 was an inside job (which I do), then basically someone went and murdered a man after a supposed 10 year hunt for him, and America is celebrating this. What about that is ok? Why is it ok because Bin Laden is a bad man and the guy who did killed him is a Navy SEAL. Why does that make it ok to kill a person? What a fucked up world we live in.

Tomorrow is my birthday

2011-04-30T20:44:00.004-05:00

I'm having anxiety about the first birthday without my mother. My birthday was always such a big deal for the both of us and we always spent it together. Who spends their whole birthday with their mother all the way into their late 20's? I did. I loved it. I couldn't understand why everyone wouldn't want to spend the anniversary of the day they were born with the person who gave birth to them.

We haven't spent my birthday together in a couple years... Mama was in rehab for my 30th birthday and I went to Vegas. Last year, for my 31st we weren't speaking. And this year she is dead. I can't handle that I don't even have the option to be with her. I won't even get a phone call from her like I have every year of my life. It's depressing. It's the most depressing thing I've ever felt.

Letting Go

2011-04-02T23:25:00.001-05:00

Mama,

We let your ashes go today. It was a beautiful day and me, Dad, and Oscar climbed the hill at the farm and let you go near the rock wall almost at the top. It was a spot you liked to sit and look down at everything. We talked to you, about you, and cried a bit together. After we let you go it looked to me like Oscar had his own moment with you, he got very still and quiet and seemed like he was listening to something.... maybe you were there. I think he needed the calm moment, he really misses you and Sally. We do too. You are always in our hearts.

All my love,
Jessica

Where the hell is the sunshine?

2011-03-31T11:11:00.003-05:00

I used to describe dealing with my moms alcoholism as schlepping through a nasty swampy river, and that one day when she died we would find ourselves at the worst part of the nasty swampy river and we'd try desperately to get through it and it would be hard but eventually we'd reach the sunshine on the other side and the schlepp would become more of a stroll and things would get easier.

Well, I'm stuck in the swamp, no sign of sunshine. I've been sitting in it for months and I don't know how to get out. I can see the sun peeking through the trees but it's not shining on me yet.

Will I ever see the sun again? Or do I just have to learn to cope with the tiny bit I get now and then through the trees. I need to know.

happy

2011-03-21T21:03:00.005-05:00

After reading this blog entry, I decided to take her advice and be inspired to take a moment and acknowledge what I am loving today.

Today I woke up with a terrible migraine and after a few hours of dealing with the pain and puking my guts up I started feeling better around 11am. Which was right around the time Keiran went down for her nap and Cory left for work, and so I had some time to myself to re-join reality... I watched Eat, Pray, Love on Netflix while surfing the web on the laptop, and loved laying on the couch without falling asleep since I was so rested from sleeping off the migraine. I loved a eating peanut butter sandwich that I didn't have to share. Keiran napped for 2.5 hours, it was blissful. Since I'd spent so many hours feeling shitty and wishing it would go away, once it did even the littlest things seemed so awesome. In a weird way, it was nice to appreciate things like a couch to sit on, a pretty day outside, and a warm pug on my feet. I don't usually take time to appreciate those things. One thing I always take time to appreciate is my beautiful daughter, and today was even better she woke up and was just a joy to be around, it was as if she knew that mommy needed to lay on the couch while she played independently and brought me books to read to her from time to time.

Once I was feeling ready to get up and about we went outside and I finished potting all my plants and succulents from the weekend. They look great. I'm proud of doing it and happy that I loved it. I used all the pots that belonged to my mom and it made me feel close to her without sadness, and I really loved that. Keiran enjoyed playing in the dirt right next to me and she even got her own little terra cotta pot to play with. We had a great time.

Life is good. I don't say that on this blog enough, but I do think it all the time. I'm so lucky in so many ways and I need to focus more on that than I do.

Today was day 1 of no sweets. It went well. It actually feels a bit empowering to have had a handful of temptations and to not give in.

It's been 6 months.

2011-03-13T20:57:00.005-05:00

Today was a pretty good day and then my dad reminded me that today is the 6 month anniversary of my moms death. All of a sudden I feel incredibly sad and depressed.

It does not get easier every day.
In fact, it feels harder lately than it did in the early days.
Sometimes I am still completely floored by the fact that my mom is not alive anymore, that I can't just pick up the phone and call her. She is gone. Forever.
We are building a garden and planting things and I can't even cope with it. I can't even think about the fact that my mom isn't here for my first garden without crying and feeling completely empty inside and like I don't want anything to do with that garden at all. Right now it's just a bunch of dirt... but I know that eventually it will be a garden with leaves and that hole inside me will just get bigger.
For some reason numbering these is making me feel a little bit better, it doesn't really make any sense, but I don't really care.
Gardening was my moms thing. She loved it and she was good at it. She even became a Travis County Master Gardener. I can't count how many times she and I talked about my first garden and how excited she was that she would help me with it... but she's not going to help me with it because she's dead. Because she drank so much that her body couldn't take it anymore and it stopped working. She robbed me of all the things she promised me.
My daughter won't know her Grama and my mom is missing all these cute things she does and I am missing out on those moments when you share your child with your mother and she can tell me how Keiran does things like I did. I don't get any of that.

My submission of love

2011-02-28T21:15:00.003-06:00

One of my favorite bloggers was doing submissions of how you show your children love for the month of February and this was mine, and I thought I'd share it here. I love Martha's blog, and I hope you do too! :)

Click here to jump to my submission.

I don't hate my hands anymore

2011-02-23T21:08:00.002-06:00

I used to hate my "man-hands" as I called them, because they are big and not very dainty. I even used to get fake acrylic nails put on when I was in my early twenties to counter act how I thought they looked so big and manly.

My mom had the same exact hands. Ever since she died I don't hate my hands anymore, I love them. I look down and it's like she's there.

Shitty McShitshit

2011-02-14T23:10:00.000-06:00

Today really caught me by surprise... it would have been my parents 14th anniversary and I was not expecting it to hit me so hard. It solidified something that I was worried about... I haven't been dealing with my mothers death properly and it's creeping in on days like today. Today felt like what the first few days after she died probably should have felt like. They were still shitty as I remember... but today was a special kind of shitty. It was the kind of day where I couldn't bring myself to do or care about anything besides sit and cry. I did the things I HAVE TO do, like care for my daughter and go to the bathroom. But that was it. It was depressing. Let's hope a night of sleep does a good job of resetting... tomorrow is my moms estate hearing, I have no idea how that will make me feel. But don't worry, if it's shitty and depressing and has to do with my mom, you know you can read about it here. Ugh.

Pretending

2011-01-26T15:16:00.006-06:00

I have dreams about my mom about twice a week. She's always young and beautiful and I'm always surprised and happy to see her. She always has her big, huge, friendly smile on her face, the one that I miss desperately.

Today, I saw a woman walking up my street in a hooded jacket and she moved just like Mama... and for the minute and a half that it took her to get to my house and turn the corner, I pretended that it was Mama and that she was walking to come see me. When she turned the corner and didn't come my way... it was like she died all over again, and reality came flooding back to me. But for that minute it was wonderful...

A letter to my daughter on her 1st birthday

2011-01-10T20:19:00.002-06:00

Dear Keiran,

You will never know how much I love you until you have your own child. That is something my mom always told me and it is so, so true. I love you like I've never loved anyone, or anything. It's something I can't even describe. I always knew I wanted to be a mom, and I've imagined what my first child would be like for years, and of all the cute and funny things I could think of I never could have dreamed you would be as awesome as you are. You do the funniest little things all the time and you make me smile from the inside out. Having you has made me feel so complete, you are everything I've ever wanted out of life. You are happiness, laughter, fun, silliness, and you are the sweetest kind of love.

This year has been full of ups and downs... I truly believe that if I didn't have you I would not have survived the sad things I've had to deal with in 2010. Your existence through out pregnancy and since you were born has saved me from so much, I feel so incredibly lucky to have you at the time I did. You were meant to be my baby, and nothing has ever felt more right than when I have you in my arms.

I will always love you and respect you and do anything I can to make you feel that love and respect. You are already such an amazing little person, I cannot wait to see what kind of person you grow into.

I love you with all that I am,
Mommy

Day 9 of 365 - I am so lucky.

2011-01-09T23:16:00.001-06:00

Day 7 of 365 - good morning, whale.

2011-01-08T12:38:00.001-06:00

Day 6 of 365 - it's a good, good life.

2011-01-06T19:42:00.000-06:00

first blog of 2011

2011-01-05T21:30:00.005-06:00

I've been thinking about blogging for days.... the beginning of a new year, resolutions, etc all seem like great reasons to write. But I honestly don't have much interesting to say. My baby is about to turn 1 and I am still in denial, planning her party but all the while in denial... such a big deal.

A year ago at this time I was huge pregnant, swollen as shit, unpacking at the duplex we had just moved into, and thinking I still had 2 weeks left of pregnancy.

NaCraBloMo was a bust. Right now I am thinking about attempting this 365 photo challenge thing. You take a picture every day and post it. I take lots of picture of Keiran every day and it would be cool to take other stuff. The problem is would I actually take the time each day to upload and blog it? hmm.

I'm watching the show Dexter, and I love it. It's so good. All murdery and forensic-ey, with some drama thrown in... my fave.

Ok, I think that's it for tonight.

Day 5 of 365

2011-01-05T11:52:00.000-06:00

day 4 of 365

2011-01-04T11:31:00.000-06:00

Keiran, binky hoarder and wearer of cute pajamas.

Day 3 of 365

2011-01-03T09:51:00.000-06:00

Keiran, professional fighter of sleep.

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finished Keiran's birthday banner!

2010-12-12T22:46:00.004-06:00

ahhhh gratification, it was far from instant, but it is gratifying to finish something and to have it be awesome, and know that it is something we will bring out every year for Keiran's birthday.

here it folks: (and the picture doesn't really do it justice)

home alone on a friday night = lame

2010-12-10T22:00:00.003-06:00

Tonight I'm feeling really shitty. I used to get excited when I was home alone and had the house to myself, but lately it just feels lonely and lame. I'm so tired of not EVER being able to go anywhere or do anything after Keiran goes to bed. If I do, it's always a quick trip which really doesn't count. I had a bunch of things I thought would be fun to do tonight (at home, of course) and I didn't do most of it, because I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Cory gets to leave and go and be with friends and do anything he wants, and I'm stuck here listening to the baby monitor and running in there to nurse her whenever she cries.

NaCraBloMo day 9.

2010-12-09T21:42:00.000-06:00

The thing about crafts is that I like instant gratification and when projects take longer than a day I get all discouraged and lose my steam. Still working on the banner, but ready for it to be done and move on to something elsethat I'll surely tire of and want instant gratification on too.

crafty and the apocalypse

2010-12-05T23:03:00.004-06:00

Crafted from: about 8-9ish
Project: cutting letters to Keiran's birthday banner.
Soundtrack: Cory, MP, & Lauren (and me once in awhile) discussing the end of society, conspiracy theory, and the like.

When the after dessert conversation turned to how society as we know it is going to end (in Cory's opinion) and the 4 of us being part of a commune as the last survivors and how we would do it... I decided to cut some letters. I needed to only remain partly engaged in this conversation because let's face it that shit is fucking scary to think about. Though the idea of us all farming, and procreating together (in our backyard) was quite amusing :)

So, cutting letters while discussing the apocalypse counts as crafting, and this counts as blogging... and what I'm going to do in about 5 minutes should count for what some call "a good nights sleep."

feeling pretty crafty tonight

2010-12-04T22:39:00.003-06:00

Crafted from: 9-10:30pm
Project: sewing letters onto birthday banner
Soundtrack: KT Tunstall

I was feeling very crafty and even thought to myself, "wow, I might finish this tonight!" Then I was derailed by some sewing machine problems... well, I can't lie, they were really me problems. I ran out of thread and couldn't remember how to thread the bobbin on my sewing machine since it has been over a year since I had to! After some googling (fail) then youtubing, I figured it out. Then, I had some issues re-threading the machine. FML. So, after an hour of that, I finished up the N in Keiran's name and now I am blogging, then going to bed.

Here is a close up of the stitching. I don't know how much any of you actually care about the details of this project, but I'm just thrilled to be talking about something besides my mom!

Today's sewing fail is brought to you by the letter K

2010-12-02T22:20:00.002-06:00

Crafted from: 7:30-8pm
Project: Letter K from Keiran's b-day banner.
Soundtrack: John Mayer - Continuum

So, I got all willy nilly and ballsy and decided, fuck it! I can sew these, and after practicing a few stitches on my sewing machine I decide it's a good idea to do a zig zag stitch around all the letters where it is half on half off. Bad idea.

So tomorrow I will have a do over, and I'm going to be reasonable about it. *sigh*

NaCraBloPo - Day 1 Project

2010-12-01T20:57:00.005-06:00

Crafted from: 7:30-9pm
Project: Keiran's Birthday Banner
Soundtrack: Shawn Pander & Lady Gaga (suck it, Lauren)

Here is all the felt!

Here is Keiran's name all cut out and placed!

I'm pretty excited about this project and the fact that I'm starting on it early, which isn;t my usual style. I'm a last minute kind of girl, but if I want her party and our Christmas to be all I hope it will, I gotta get my shit together now!

So I just have to sew the letters on straight-ish. Wish me luck, I will need it!!

NaCraBloMo - Day 1

2010-12-01T09:46:00.005-06:00

I am declaring this National Craft & Blog Post Month! NaCraBloMo if you will...

I am challenging myself to craft for one hour a day (or more) and then blog about what I did (and let's not forget all the depressing mom stuff, can't leave that out!) So, I challenge you, friends, blog readers, creepy stalkers who don't know me but read my blog cause it's awesome (I kid, I kid - about the creepy part, not the awesome part, totally serious about that) to join me in this crafty mission!

I have TONS of crafty shit, and several projects that sit at a stand still, and several projects that I need to start on that have a deadline, and I have free time from about 7-11 every night that I waste by vegging in front of the TV, playing on the computer, or doing chores. Well, no more!! I will craft, I will blog, and you should too!

More sad shit about my mom, big shocker.

2010-11-30T12:24:00.003-06:00

I was in a shitty mood yesterday, and I did not want to be productive at all. Instead of forcing it, I just went with it and didn't do anything. And guess what?? I'm in a good mood and feeling very productive today! I don't know how much one has to do with the other but I'm glad I went with it yesterday.

I've gone through a few of my moms things today and for some reason I broke down and cried while sorting out her hair things. Then while I was thinking about why I must be crying this hard over it, I had a moment where I remind myself of my mom (in a good way) and busted out laughing. I'm just letting the grief come when it comes. Good times.

Lately, I've been very sad about the fact that my mom won't ever get to see what I've become. She won't see my house and how it's decorated and we won't laugh about how we are so much alike in our weird style and taste. She won't see my daughter and how she's turning out and what a wonderful mom I am. She won't be around to enjoy the life I've made for myself. This makes me more sad than anything, because that's all she wanted for me was happiness and to find a good man, and have everything I wanted. I have everything I've ever wanted and I wish I could share it with her.

2010 - a year of birth and death

2010-11-28T22:00:00.005-06:00

Is it possible for this year to have been the best AND worst year of my life? Well, it has been. With December creeping up it is making me think about this year, as it does every year.

Let's take roll of the major good and bad things that happened this year:

GOOD:
We had a beautiful baby girl, and have loved watching her grow.
We bought a house.

BAD:
My Grampa died.
My Mom died.
My parents dog, Sally, died.
Grama went back into the hospital, and seems to be having some mental stability issues. (still hoping it's temporary, but given the year she had, theres no telling)

Thankfully, my daughter Keiran is awesome enough to make up for all that shitty... if it wasn't for her I would probably be in a mental asylum under heavy sedation. She has truly saved me, and for that I will always be very grateful.

It's been a few days, blog.

2010-11-25T19:33:00.004-06:00

I can't blog every day. That is what NaBloPoMo has taught me. And ya know what? I'm ok with that.

Thanksgiving.... I hate to say this but my Thanksgiving was mostly shitty. I was holding back tears for a good part of the day and there were 2 times when I just couldn't hold it in and I balled for awhile. All my life my mom was an amazing cook, and she always made delicious food to add to Grama's Thanksgiving table and she was always trying to teach me how to cook a turkey because one day I'd have a family and my own house and I'd have my own Thanksgiving and would need to know how. Of course, with that was the promise that she would be here to help me with my first turkey, so not to worry. There are a lot of things I think about randomly that make me teary eyed or cry a little but this was a big one because it was something that was always a big deal to her and something she sort of fantasized about. Well, it happened today and she wasn't here like she promised. It hit me so much harder than I was prepared for.

When we sat down to the table of my first Thanksgiving, I looked up and saw the picture of my mom (from her memorial service) that hangs in my dining room and I got pretty choked up. Just sitting there with all that food, family time and then to see her picture. As cliche and lame as it sounds, truly felt like she was looking down on us (not in the heavenly sense) and I almost started to cry then I looked over at Keiran who was ferociously stuffing mashed potatoes in her mouth and I couldn't help but smile and be the most thankful I've ever been for anything, my little girl. Then I thought, if Mama is looking down on us then she saw that too and it made me feel good.

The story of a fat girl with an ice cream problem.

2010-11-21T23:52:00.000-06:00

I finally got my cheeseburger and fries yesterday. And tonight I broke down and bought a half gallon of ice cream. Rocky Road. It was delicious. I decided to do it after I had looked in the pantry/fridge about 16 times and ate 6 fruit leathers. Didn't cut it. I was obsessed, I couldn't even concentrate on the show I was watching because I was plotting how I could get some ice cream. These were some of the thoughts that ran through my head, "It's 10pm and Keiran hasn't so much as stirred, so if I leave now then she will likely wake up while I'm gone and then Cory will give her the binky, but that won't cut it cause milk is the only cure this late.... so I'd have to go after she'd just woken up and I nursed her back to sleep. But what if Cory is asleep by then? I won't be able to leave. Dammit. Could I convince any of the friends we have over here right now to go for me without sounding like a fat girl with and ice cream problem? It would be ideal if she woke up soon and then I could---"

Right at that moment my beautiful daughter, with her impeccable timing, let out a cry for milk. I took this as a sign and as soon as I was done getting her to sleep I was out the door to the store.

This is a real problem.

I just want a cheeseburger

2010-11-19T21:01:00.005-06:00

I've been wanting a cheeseburger and fries for days... so, I thought, tonight is the night! I asked John, our friend who rents a room in our house, to grab me something if he was going to get food anywhere. Since he was going I agreed I'd go wherever he wanted. He wanted Taco Cabana... ok, they have cheese, that is the saving grace of TC. Queso. Awesome.

Well, guess what?! John does not come home with queso. Either they stopped putting it in the 2 taco combos or they forgot. How do you explain to a person who was nice enough to bring you food that you were REALLY counting on that cheese and that they need to go back?? You don't.

So the only thing that is good is that I have a very big sprite to drink. I still want a fucking cheeseburger and fries.

oh what a day

2010-11-17T22:03:00.003-06:00

I'm going to try to make this blog entry the least depressing as possible. My Grama went into the hospital on Sunday and on Monday started showing signs of delirium and dementia. My aunt told me a few things last night (which is why last nights blog got cut off, and was kinda shitty) and honestly at first it sounded like she was exaggerating a bit because to me my Grama is so together and with it I never think of her as crazy and forgetful. I got the proof this morning during a 45 minute phone call and nothing she said made any sense and she was all over the place. It is so depressing. She lost her husband and her daughter this year and what if she's never going to be herself again? What if this is not temporary like we hope it is? How are we going to deal with this? I can't even handle the thought of her being like this for any length of time, that would have to be so sad and frustrating for her. I love her so much and she's so strong and so stubborn, she would HATE to be dependent on others and forgetful like that. I just hope this is temporary.

Lately, I feel like my life is so boring. All I have to talk about is being a mom, or depressing shit. NaBloPoMo is only highlighting this for me. I don't know if I like blogging every day.

Yarn

2010-11-16T23:06:00.004-06:00

Every day I am reminded of something wonderful and amusing about my mother. Today it was her love of yarn. She loved to crochet things for people and she was always buying yarn... I was left with a closet full of it and tonight I sat with my friend Lauren and went through it all. There were so many things that made me think or say "what was she thinking when she bought this color? what was she going to make?"

She left behind a lot of yarn... and a lot of other stuff too.

Wanna know what will power looks like?

2010-11-14T20:02:00.004-06:00

Just picture Jessica Graham walking PAST the ice cream aisle at the grocery store tonight. THAT is what will power looks like, my friends. If you knew the day I had you would understand what a huge deal it was to walk away from an aisle full of ice cream tonight. But you won't, because I'm not in the mood to talk about it.

All you really need to know is that I visited my Grama in the hospital, and my mom died 2 months ago.

I missed 2 days.

2010-11-14T10:41:00.001-06:00

Big fucking deal. The 2 nights I missed were because I was out of my normal routine and I was socializing, so I think I'm excused since I was living real life and not sitting at home writing about it for once, which for me is a big deal.

Friday night we had friends over for game night, it was good fun and I stayed up until 1am, which is a rarity for me.

Saturday night we went to BraxGiving, a friend named Braxton had people over for thanksgiving food and fried turkey. Very delicious. Keiran and I were home by 8 but I enjoyed a little alone time and watched a movie... that is until I started falling asleep on the ouch at 10:30 and took my ass to bed.

Just found out this morning that my Grama is in the hospital with pneumonia. This is very bad news. I am not taking it well and if she dies then I honestly don't know what I will do. I can't even handle the thought.

bullet point blog time

2010-11-11T22:20:00.005-06:00

I hosted playgroup for the first time today, it went well. I love it when people say how awesome our house is :)
I have decided to make Keiran some BabyLegs instead of buying them (duh, cause they retail for $12) I am also going to make myself some leg warmers. So I scored some sweaters at 50% off day at Savers today. Good times.
Very sleep deficient these days, I need to make sleep catch up a priority. Usually going to bed early (9-10) a few nights in a row does the trick.
On that note, I'm spent, goodnight folks.

almost forgot to blog

2010-11-10T23:37:00.004-06:00

Today was a little crazy... why did I decide to go over to my parents house and go through my mothers stuff the day before the first time I'm hosting playgroup?? Cause I'm stupid.

Stayed there WAY longer than I had planned and right now it is 11:39 and I still have a bunch of household crap to do to get ready for playgroup, and I still need to go to the store to pick a couple things and of course get all the food ready. Oh, and, tomorrow is 50% off day at Savers and for a good long minute I actually lived in an alternate universe where I thought I had plenty of time to hit Savers at 9am tomorrow. Playgroup is at 11:30. Yeah. Not gonna happen. So my dear friend Lauren will go to Savers at 9am and hopefully the baby clothes I stashed will still be in their hiding spot and she will get them for me. They won't be, but here's hoping.

Today was pretty rough, going to the house for the first time since Sally died really hit hard when I went to let "the dogs" in and it was just Oscar. Ouch.

In other less depressing news, Keiran turned 10 month old today. There aren't even the right words to tell you how that makes me feel. My baby is TEN MONTHS OLD! That is fucking crazy to me. She is growing up so fast and gets cuter and cuter every day and I'm constantly amazed at how much I love and adore her.

Kicking the ice cream habit

2010-11-09T21:36:00.004-06:00

I eat ice cream every night. Yeah, you heard me, every night! I love it. It tastes good, and for that few minutes it lasts I am in heaven. If I keep this up then I will be a blimp in no time. Lately, I have been trying to eat out less and I've been making things for myself at home. I used to eat out for lunch about 4-5 times a week, and today was the first time in a few days that I have so I'm on the right track. I forgot about my new "no eating fast food alone" rule today when I went to Sonic while Keiran was napping in the car, but hey fuck it, I'm not perfect. Old habits die hard.

Awhile back I bought a bunch of different flavors of applesauce and since they aren't expired yet I am going to start eating that in place of the ice cream. I have to make slow gradual changes in order to succeed, because if I try to cut everything out I will just go on a bender. I've got all this left over halloween candy to tide me over with my annoying ass sweet tooth so once that's gone and I've been doing the applesauce thing I should be rid of all sweets in my house. That's a good plan for me... I can't have ice cream in the house.

Applesauce instead of ice cream, candy to get me over the hump. I'll keep you posted.

Making up for shitty blogs, with an old blog.

2010-11-08T15:54:00.004-06:00

I was just reading my old "online journal" which is what those of us who used LiveJournal before someone coined the word "blog" used to call it. I came across this poem-y thing I wrote about my mom. So far the only good thing about her death is that this inner turmoil is finally gone.

Saturday, March 24th, 2007

10:13 pm

with a splash of water on my face

I look up and see my mothers eyes
her face
her skin
her troubles

they lay upon my chest, and they are not mine, they are hers. and they lay upon my chest.

why.

why do I carry her burdens? why do I try so hard not to be her, and to be her at the same time?

I am proud and thankful for all she is and all she has over come. envious of her strength. and irritated at her weakness all the same.

these things I cannot control are what weigh on my mind. I blame her as i try not to. I hate her as I love her. i see her as I turn away. I feel her as I close my eyes. I am connected to her as I am disconnected from her.

I wonder about that look in peoples eyes as I explain this two-sided view of my mother, and think about how they percieve what I am saying. do they relate? do most people have this kind of battle within themselves about a parent? or just me?

It doesn't have to be compelling

2010-11-08T14:34:00.003-06:00

So I was peeing (yeah, so??) and thinking about this blog and my last two lame posts and why it's all of a sudden so hard for me to write something since I can just ramble on at any given time about pretty much anything when I realized that I can just do that here.. so here goes. Keiran has been vomiting about 5-10 minutes after each nursing session for the last day and a half... not fun. Pretty tired of being thrown up on and I've caught the last 4 or 5 in my hand! If there was a Mama Olympics I would come in first place for anticipating and catching throw up in my hand. Funny thing is she isn't bothered by it at all! She's silly funny Keiran then, BARRRFF, then a little fussy, (cause who wouldn't be after barfing?), and then back to silly funny Keiran. Which is good, cause when she is miserable I am too.

I think that's all for now. How did I do for not being lame?

I don't know about this.

2010-11-07T20:39:00.004-06:00

It's hard to think about writing something people will want to read, every day. It's a lot of pressure, NaBloPoMo, and I gotta tell ya I don't appreciate it!

I thought I might not be inspired to write every day so I started keeping a list of go to topics to write about and even those are not doing it for me today.

Picture blogs seem to cut it for Lauren, so I'll do it too (since it is clear that just saying goodnight in your blog post makes you a loser :)

Well fuck this, I can't figure out how to put a picture on here right now (I KNOW I've done it before and I'm not a web retard) but I just don't have the patience.

Lauren, you're right, I am a loser. :)

Does this count as a blog?

2010-11-06T22:16:00.002-05:00

I sure hope so. I'm tired and I'm going to bed early. Goodnight.

Never thought I'd say, "All I want to do is fold this laundry!" and actually mean it.

2010-11-05T22:47:00.004-05:00

Cory has been working 60 hours a week and I feel so bad for the daily stress and turmoil and lack of sleep that this causes him. In no way do I think that how it's effecting me is a bigger deal, etc. But this isn't his blog, it is mine, so I am going to talk about how it's effecting me. He's been working from between 5-7am until anywhere from 5-8pm most days. By about 5:00 every day I am so burned out and stressed out from having NO break from mommy duty that I can barely keep my shit together. I'm having to remind myself every 5 seconds not to take it out in my tone with Keiran... who by the way is VERY fussy around this time of day anyway and that just adds to it. The countdown for bed time starts around 5 and I feel horrible about it.

Today I broke down and cried at 6:15 because I was trying to fold a basket of laundry and Keiran was ALL over me and all she wanted was to be in my lap or messing with something she shouldn't or just fussing. All I wanted to do was get the laundry taken care of so that I wouldn't have to do it after she went to bed since that's my only break, and I don't even count that because she wakes up about every hour or so from 7 until I join her and I have to go in there and get her back to sleep. But it's still the only time I get these days and I like to not spend it doing chores, but with how needy she has been lately I have to spend at least some of it that way.

Motherhood is hard. I'm very lucky to have great friends that I can share time with and they do help out a lot, I'm extremely grateful for that. I can't imagine how much more burned out I'd be without them.

I love Keiran more than anything in the world and I want to love every minute I have with her... but these days it's hard in the evening. I'm ok with that. I think it just makes me human, I just can't wait until Cory isn't working as much and we can get back to our normal life. It's a very good life. Thankfully, he's declared he will not be working this weekend and said he'd like to spend some alone time with Keiran during the day and give me a break. I can't wait! I have no idea what I am going to do with my baby-free time, but it has to be something good.

Say it

2010-11-04T21:58:00.001-05:00

I've been watching Celebrity Rehab Season 1 on Netflix streaming and I haven't decided if this is good or bad or stupid or what. Obviously, a lot of it reminds me of my mom. But strangely in a way it is sort of good... does that make any sense? I can't really explain it but who cares.

There is a part where Brigitte Neilsen is telling some young girl that even though she'll never get the chance to hear it from her mom, that she knows that even addiction can't get in the way of loving your kids, that just because she overdosed doesn't mean she didn't love her. Of course, I cried hearing this, for that girl though, not for me. Because my mom and I told each other we loved each other EVERY chance we got. We truly never let a conversation go by without saying it, and even in the end when we weren't speaking we would still send the I Love You through my dad to one another. This is something that I am definitely going to continue with my daughter, and any future children. So that when I am gone they will NEVER doubt my love for them, just as I have never doubted my moms love for me, in spite of all the bad decisions she made.

I long for the day this blog isn't 90% about my mother.

2010-11-03T22:35:00.006-05:00

I'm convinced that only Corley & Lauren read this blog. If you read my blog (even if you don't know me) please let me know! I'm interested. I won't think you're creepy, I read plenty of blogs of people I don't know in real life. Leave a comment or send me an email.

Since the news of Sally dying yesterday, things have been kinda rough inside me. It brings up (not very) old feelings about when my mom died. Sometimes, when I think about the night I found out it plays in my head like a dream, or a movie I saw a looooong time ago. It still doesn't feel real, but at the same time it's more real than anything else ever has been. The same goes for the day of the memorial service and other events that happened around that time. I remember reading about friends I have that were going to meetings and social gatherings I was missing and thinking, "I'm so jealous that they are living a normal life and doing the things I should be doing and I am in this 'my mom just died' hell." I'm now back to doing things and meetings and socializing, but it's not the same. Nothing is the same... I am probably reminded of my mom about 5 times an hour and sometimes I have to fight back tears. It's easy to do this when I am around other people... so I think that's why I've been surrounding myself with company most of the time. Monday was rough. I spent the day alone (and when I say alone I mean just with Keiran) and I cried at least 5 times. Even if it's one small tear, it's still crying and it still sucks. This sounds like classic avoidance... but I don't think it is. Sometimes I do let the tears come, but who wants to cry 5 times an hour? Fuck that shit. So, yes, sometimes I fight it back. I'm ok with that.

I long for the day this blog isn't 90% about my mother.

in 3's

2010-11-02T21:47:00.004-05:00

First my Grampa in February, and then my mom in September, and today my parents dog, Sally. I'm incredibly sad and don't want to talk about it. Death sucks.

Happy is not the opposite of hungry.

2010-11-01T18:25:00.005-05:00

There is an IHOP commercial that says "Come Hungry, Leave Happy." it really bothers me, because that implies that eating makes you happy. I can assure you, my friends, it does not. I have been eating, and eating, and eating, this past month or so and it has not in any way improved my level of happiness. I'm full, not hungry, but not happier for it. That is one of the many things that is wrong with society, sending the message that If I want to be happy all I have to do is go stuff my face at IHOP! Go ahead, fatty, stuff your face and report back.

NaBloPoMo!

2010-11-01T10:33:00.004-05:00

NaBloPoMo! Thanks to a challenge from my dear friend, Lauren King, I am doing this! Lucky you....

Extra tears

2010-10-08T20:34:00.003-05:00

One thing I wasn't expecting in dealing with my mothers death is how much my emotions would always be on the surface, just ready to burst out any time. I feel like I'm pregnant again in that way. Things that used to just make me a little sad or even happy now bring tears to my eyes or make me full on cry. For example, I watched an episode of Ellen where she was discussing these bully related suicides and I cried. Today, I was reading the inside Thank You's of a children's CD I bought and the artist was thanking her two daughters and she said they give her life meaning and that brought tears to my eyes.

It's nuts. I don't like it. I cry enough as it is, I don't need these extra tears.

2010-10-01T21:51:00.001-05:00

The last words mama ever said to me are still waiting to be heard on my voicemail from 9/7/10. I can't bring myself to listen to it... but every day I have a tiny panic attack when I think that something will happen to my phone and the message will be gone forever. I need to just listen to it... but how?

My mom died.

2010-09-14T20:56:00.005-05:00

She is gone.

My stomach is full with comfort food.

But my heart is empty.

I feel a pain inside that I can't escape.

I'm the most exhausted I've ever been but cannot sleep.

I'm scared to even try to sleep.

Laying down in a quiet dark room only brings the tears.

The same tears I cry off and on all day.

I want to run away to a place where she isn't dead.

Where the distance between us for the last year doesn't exist.

I want to have my mother back, the mother I used to laugh and dance with.

But I can't.

She is gone.

I still have no regret.

No anger.

I just miss her and wish things were different.

I love our funny dialogue.

2010-08-10T22:13:00.003-05:00

Scene- Cory is seated in a comfy chair reading a book. Jessica, whose been experiencing some insomnia lately, approaches him.

Jessica: I'm going to bed, wish me luck in my journey to sleep.

Cory: Goodnight.

Jessica: Can I have a hug?

Cory: Can I read my book?? [opens arms reluctantly, as Jessica stands there annoyed]

Cory: [closes arms, returns to reading] Expired.

Jessica: [walking away] Fine. If I die in my sleep you'll never know the feeling of my warm embrace.

Cory: Who cares.

[both laugh]

your child grows whether you are ready or not

2010-08-08T21:10:00.004-05:00

The feelings of resentment and missing my old life has been taken over by this crazy love for my daughter and the time we share...

She is cute and awesome 80% of the time, and when you think about it that is pretty fucking good. I wish I was cut and awesome even 50% of the time!

Lately, I am realizing how much she changes just from one day to the next. It's amazing to see her grow and to know that I'm the person who has helped guide her to this point. She is barely 7 months old and crawling and pulling herself up on things. WAY early. She's so wonderful. I try my best to take in each moment because she is growing so fast and I've already forgotten what she was like when she was a tiny baby until I see pictures or video of it. Time really flies by.

2010-07-28T17:59:00.003-05:00

This blog is such a pain in my ass sometimes. It pulls at me like one of the million things I have to do but can't. Cory just got home and since Keiran is napping in our family bed, he wanted to nap on the couch so he asked me to play quietly on the computer. OK! :) so here I am.

Our home is still not a home... I can't wait for the day that it is. The state of my home often plays a part in my mood and I can't take the chaos anymore. We've lived in clutter for sooooo long with the room first, then the shitty duplex, and now our huge house is still not unpacked and it weighs on me daily.

Keiran is teething and fussy and it kills me. She is so miserable sometimes, I know she must be in great pain and I wish I could take it all away for her. It also frustrates me when she cries so much... I always have to remind myself what she must be going through and shut my irritation off. It's hard. I break down and cry with her at least once a day.

My mom is taking too long to die. There I said it. I know how incredibly shitty it sounds, but fuck, I'm getting tired of living my life knowing that this devastating thing is lurking around the corner. Let's get it over with already. Bring the pain, because with that comes, eventually, the ability to move on from all this.

aaaaand the baby is awake, and my time is now hers. Story of my life! But it is a pretty good life, despite the negative tone of most of my blogs.

Keiran rules.

2010-07-12T09:33:00.002-05:00

I love my baby so much, she is the cutest sweetest little creature ever, ever, ever!

Bottling up the happy

2010-06-29T21:33:00.003-05:00

I've decided that happiness must be a choice on some level, because no way could all those happy people just be lucky. They must have some kind of outlook on life that I don't or something.

I wish I could bottle up the way I feel when I look at Keiran and she smiles at me. I would sell it to others, and I would take it myself when I am feeling less than awesome.

I would bathe myself in it right after I'm told my mother is gone. I would do anything to avoid the way that feels. But I can't avoid it, it's coming and I have to deal with it. So I am going to practice by trying to just feel things and not hide them, or sugarcoat them.

Every time my dad isn't home right after work I get obsessive about thoughts of "What if this is it? What if it's today?" "You'll never be the same, enjoy these moments. He could walk in here in 5 minutes and tell you your mother is dead." Then I get all emotional and feel like I'm going to cry. Then I stuff it down. Then I think about how it will effect all the things I have planned if it is today. "Will I still be able to go to the API picnic next week?" "Will I still want to go see Eclipse in the theater?"

So. Exhausting. Aren't you exhausted just reading that shit? Try being in my brain. I hate it in here sometimes.

I'm depressed.

2010-06-20T21:50:00.005-05:00

It's official. I have moments of happiness here and there, especially since we just bought a house and I love it. But moving always gets me in a funk, and I have all this mom stuff creeping in too. I just can't fight the sadness anymore. My dad told me this morning that my mom has a sty on her eye that won't stop bleeding and several wounds on her body that won't stop bleeding either. Since he told me I've cried 5 separate times and even going to Target didn't help. Neither did the chocolate I ate. Neither is writing this blog. I've done stupid things like try to put Keiran into the front of the car instead of the back, grabbed my keys to walk into the bedroom when I meant to just grab my phone, and I know when I start doing that kind of stuff that it's getting way too thick inside my head. It's time to water it down... but how?

I don't want to talk about it. I just want it to go away. I don't think I can have have both. I'm starting to see that isn't how it works.

moving

2010-06-16T22:02:00.003-05:00

sucks.

I hate packing, I hate trying to figure out what to do with the random weird shit that doesn't get boxed, I hate carrying shit to the car, I hate driving with a car FULL of shit, I hate carrying it inside, I hate trying to figure out where to set the box at the new place, I hate living in chaos while the move happens, and most of all I hate the change it brings. I do not do well with change. Period. Even if the change means that you are moving into the house you've dreamed about for years, and bla bla bla. Fuck change, dude.

One thing I LOVE about moving is unpacking everything and starting with a clean slate.

So not healthy.

2010-06-15T23:15:00.004-05:00

Recently, a dear friend of mine lost her dog and I knew this dog and loved him too. I was/am incredibly sad that he's gone, and 20 times sadder for my friend because I know that she is going to be so hurt over this for a long time. I have no problem at all identifying and feeling things when it comes to other people, but my own shit, I can't seem to feel anything, and when I do I can't ever identify it. I'm never honest when I am feeling something bad. I usually try to get off that feeling as quickly as possible, if not completely avoid it altogether. So not healthy.

not healthy.

2010-06-13T22:57:00.003-05:00

I had an anxiety attack on Saturday. I haven't had one in years and I do not like it. For some reason I thought having a child would make me immune to those kind of episodes, but apparently not. I've had 4 gnarly canker sores for a week, and Friday I broke out in small hives on my stomach and back... so I should have seen this anxiety attack coming. My stress ALWAYS finds a way out whether I decide to deal with it mentally and emotionally or not. I should have realized that it's not okay to act like it's perfectly normal when your Dad tells you about how your Mom is falling down 2 or 3 times a day and all the huge bruises on her arms and legs are opening up and won't stop bleeding. Lately when he tells me terrible stuff about her I just react to it like he's telling me about his day at work. Not healthy. I need to really start dealing with this before it gets worse. But so far all I'm doing is having anxiety and writing blogs.

Way to go.

You bring the bullets, I'll bring the wine.

2010-06-03T23:22:00.005-05:00

Talking to Cory is feeling more helpful than going to therapy lately.
I'm starting to finally embrace that I'm becoming so many things I never wanted to be, and it's not so bad.
Motherhood has been whipping my ass these last couple of days.
Feelings about my mom have been creeping up on me, and I'm already dreading the person I'm going to be after my mom dies. I feel like part of me is going to be forever changed. It's a strange feeling to be so aware of.
There is chaos alllllll around me, I can't do anything to fix it, there is just crap EVERYWHERE. I can't wait until we move.
I'm very tired. goodnight.

motherhood

2010-06-02T22:22:00.002-05:00

When personal hygiene becomes a luxury.

6 months to live

2010-05-24T23:28:00.003-05:00

Today my moms doctor gave her 6 months to live. I've known this was coming, but somehow her doctor confirming it is really making it seem real. I'm avoiding feelings mostly, so that just means I'm headed for a breakdown soon. The thing I worry most about is regret... I feel like I have a little bit of time left to make it so I have as little regret as possible when she dies, to minimize the shitty. But everything is contradicting itself... I want her to die knowing I love her and not feeling shitty about herself, no one should leave the world alone without their family around them... but at the same time I can't bring myself to step back into her life and deal with all the shit that comes with that. So how do I fix it? I can't fix it. That's the problem.

The mother I knew who had any sort of redeeming goodness died already, she's been gone awhile. But I still can't help but think that when she dies it is going to be debilitating. How do you deal with the death of your mother and be able to function as a mother yourself? The body that grew me and gave me life is going to die. How do you fucking deal with that? How do you face those feelings and still get up and brush your teeth everyday? Much less care for a baby.

Since she's for sure going to die soon, do I let up and be open to letting her into my life? Do I want that? Is that going to make it worse or better when she dies? I have so many questions. So many people have loved ones taken by surprise and here I sit, knowing it's coming and I still don't know what the fuck to do.

long time no blog, don't get excited, this one sucks too.

2010-05-17T23:07:00.002-05:00

I just want you to know that if there was a way to blog straight from my brain to this page this blog would kick so much ass. I think about what I want to blog about all the time, but usually in places where I can't.

But ya know what? Fuck it, why can't I? Why can't I stop in the middle of Whole Foods and pull out my iPhone and do a little blog? hmm, maybe I'll try it.

I said maybe.

a day of closure

2010-04-26T12:31:00.003-05:00

I said goodbye to my Grampa at his memorial service. It was very nice and I think he would have been very happy with what we did.

I also said goodbye to my mother, who is going to die very soon. Cory and I decided to let her meet Keiran. It wasn't for her... it was for me, and for Keiran. I know that I can't live with knowing she didn't meet her grandmother before she died. Someday Keiran will ask about her, and I will at least be able to show her some pictures and tell the story of how the meeting went surprisingly well.

Maybe soon I will talk about it here, but I'm just not in the mood. I was feeling pretty good yesterday considering the gravity of the emotional day but the depression has started to set in today.

My Ol' Grampa

2010-04-15T11:54:00.003-05:00

I'm sitting on my couch with a Keiran, a pug and a pile of all the letters I've saved from my Grampa over the years...

I haven't been ready to look at these old letters yet, and I'm not sure I'm ready today, but I wanted to try to find something to read at his memorial service. He was wise and funny, I think over the last few years since we stopped writing because he'd been too sick, I had forgotten that. He always tried so hard to show me that he related to me, and had great little stories to share about whatever subject was the focus of my last letter. He was always so forthcoming with feelings and kind words in his letters. It's nice to have these old letters as a way to remember him, because the times before he went to prison in my childhood are so long ago those memories get fuzzier and fuzzier. He wrote to me a lot about how he wishes my mom and I could get along better... it reminds me how much of my life I've spent being angry with her or in the middle of some kind of "open warfare" as my Grampa describes it. At some point in every letter he describes himself as "your ol' Grampa" and says how much he loves and misses me in every one. I'm so sad that he's gone and that I'll never get another letter from him again... and I'm sad that he died in a prison hospital alone. This is all just so sad.

He went to prison on February 16, 1987... and he died on February 16, 2010.

Sorry blog.

2010-04-13T21:28:00.001-05:00

I planned on blogging tonight, but I've had a migraine since 5 that made me throw up at one point. Feeling better now, but going to sleep.

today was great

2010-04-08T23:07:00.003-05:00

I don't have time for a proper blog, cause I need to sleep... but I just wanted to document that today was a great day.

here are some reasons why:

20 minute dance party in the kitchen with Keiran.
I just went with the flow today, and didn't think too much about anything.
I got to take a shower, not as long as I would have liked, but at least I'm clean.
A visit from my dear friend Lauren, she's always fun to talk to and be around. We laugh at one another a lot and it's just great.
Cory was in a great mood (probably cause of the Lauren visit) and we got along really well and had some good moments. Having friends around is great for us.
Keiran was extra cute today, maybe it was the dress she had on?
We went to eat vietnamese noodles at Pho Hoang. mmm.

today was a doozie

2010-04-07T21:59:00.002-05:00

I am hoping tomorrow is better and that I am able to practice a little more changing my perspective and letting go than I was today. It was just not a good day all around.

It helps me immensely when I feel like someone else understands exactly what I felt/am feeling... because today when Amanda said, "oh my gosh... I would have cried about the mayonnaise jar too!! After already being in a shitty mood and then feeling better then that happens and you have to clean it up, you don't have any mayo for your burger, then you have to eat it cold... oh man, I would have cried too!!"

I hadn't even explained much wen she said that, just told her I had broken the mayonnaise jar and she knew the kind of day I was having. It is so nice to feel understood. It only hurts the situation that I feel like the man I live with and share my life with doesn't understand anything I go through. I think most women feel that way though, and I'm sure he does too. That's why it's important to have good women friends.

Here's hoping for a better day tomorrow.

I just want to scream and run away.

2010-04-07T13:23:00.003-05:00

I broke the mayonaise jar... and cried about having to clean it up.

a few thoughts that ran through my head:

"fuck! I broke the mayonaise jar. No mayo on my hamburger for lunch... it would be BAD to try to get to the middle of the jar where there isn't any glass and get some right? right."

"how I am going to clean this up with Keiran asleep in the mody wrap??"

"why did this have to happen TODAY?"

"how long is it ok to just leave it here?"

The answer to that last question came quickly when the pug started licking up mayo off the floor. I put her outside, then went to start cleaning it up and guess what? You'll NEVER guess what happened next. I cut my foot on some glass. REALLY?!?!?!?

Fuck dude, isn't my life complicated enough without having tiny glass shards in my feet? fuck you, universe. fuck you today.

So now the pug is outside whining like a pathetic little dog, and I can't bring myself to go back in there and clean it up. Or eat the hamburger I made. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and run away. But guess what you can't do when you have a whiney pug, and baby and a life to manage? Scream and run away.

Fuck this day dude. Hey, emotions! Pick a lane and fucking stay there! I'm sick of the back and forth, I'm sick of being ecstatic about my life one second and then as soon as the mayonaise jar hits the floor, it's over and my life sucks again.

changing your perspective and letting things go, continued...

2010-04-06T20:55:00.003-05:00

Lately things have been much better inside my head... I'm trying hard to not be a bitch and let things go. So far so good. For the last 2 days I'm not letting myself think about the sad things in my life, so far so good.

That last one is bordering on denial and I'm pretty sure it isn't healthy for me to be pushing thoughts away. But if I don't, I just cry. So what can ya do? That's right - don't think about it.

My therapist did say that I have postpartum depression, and so I got some books on it and have learned a lot. Some women can develop OCD after child birth, and since I already have it, mine just got worse. There were OCD flare ups I was having that I didn't even recognize until I read about them, I just have gotten so used to obsessive repetitive thoughts going through my head and learned to cope.

I'm starting to recognize them more and try to stop them. It's not easy. Turns out it's not normal to repeat the same word or phrase in your head 50 or 60 times before you stop it. hah! Who knew.

Strangely enough since hearing my therapist say that i have PPD, I have started to feel a little better. Coincidence? I don't know. But I'll take it.

I've been super in love with Keiran for the last week or so, it's a wonderful feeling. I'm so lucky to have her, and I'm thankful for her sweet little face every day - even when she's a jerk. :)

changing your perspective and letting things go

2010-04-02T20:59:00.004-05:00

In spite of some of the shittyness in my life right now, lately for me things have actually been pretty good inside my head... I'm practicing the art of changing your perspective and letting things go. So far it is doing wonders.

Instead of a pity party about missing my old life I think to myself, "this is something you used to do before.. but now you are doing it with this beautiful baby girl." That certainly makes things not seem so bad. My old life is never coming back, and I can't see a single good thing that can come from me sitting around mourning about it. Right? Right.

this is not a drill

2010-04-02T15:02:00.003-05:00

My mom is going to die soon. Fuck.

not my problem

2010-03-28T23:29:00.006-05:00

My dad officially left my mom. He's filed divorce paperwork and found a new place to live, etc. My grama, my aunt and I are all asking ourselves, "what the hell is she gonna do?"

I have enough problems on my own, I don't need to worry about how she's going to live now that she's let her drinking problem push away ALL her loved ones.

snubbing the day care crowd

2010-03-27T09:40:00.003-05:00

I'm reading The Vaccine Book from the Dr. Sears collection (a MUST read for all parents to be), and so far I haven't read about one vaccine that I'm comfortable shooting my daughter with. At the end of each chapter they say that if your child is breastfed and does not attend day care then you are at a VERY low risk of catching 'insert crazy disease here'. So this now has me thinking that all day care children are little germ ridden creatures in which I must protect my daughter from! haha

"oooo she goes to day care.... I don't think Keiran should play with her."

"Oh, it's ok they stay at home so they're fine."

Bad. Wrong. But I still can't help it.

post-mama sadness

2010-03-20T17:53:00.006-05:00

I guess it's pretty obvious that I'm experiencing some mourning for my previous life. I've been trying but I just can't shake it. I read other mommy blogs to try to feel understood and like I'm not alone... but they just make me feel even more hopeless, like the tiredness, being pulled in several directions, no time for yourself, and give give give that comes with motherhood is only going to get worse. Most of the blogs I read the mamas have older kids and usually more than one. If I feel like this right now with my tiny 2 month old (who still sleeps alot by the way) then how I am I going to feel when I have 2 kids running around and things are only busier??

I watched a movie called 'Motherhood' this morning... and that just made me feel worse too. And of course, the ending was completely unrealistic and didn't offer any kind of help.

I try to do things that I did before being a mama, like hang out with friends, go to the store, watch a movie, or go out to eat...and then I'm just reminded of how much things have changed and how I''ll never get that time back again. I can't win.

What the fuck is wrong with me?? I'm lucky to have this beautiful, wonderful child and she brings me so much joy everyday but I just can't shake this missing my old life.

a letter

2010-03-20T12:15:00.005-05:00

Dear Jessica,

One day when you least expect it, you will miss me. You'll feel guilty for even thinking about it, but you will miss me. You will try your best to tell yourself that you shouldn't but you won't be able to control it. You will tell yourself that good mothers don't feel this way. But they do, I promise.

One night when you're awakened hour after hour by a hungry baby who wants to suckle at your breast making it so you can't get more than an hour of sleep at a time, you will miss me.

After you have had to ask that person you're having a conversation with, for the 5th time, "what was I just saying?", you will miss me.

As you browse through Target and it hits you that all the things you used to bargain shop for like purses, jewelry, accessories, and clothes from the clearance rack don't really fit into your lifestyle anymore, you will miss me.

One night when you leave a friends house who lives in the same neighborhood you used live in, and you catch a whiff of that spring time Hyde Park air as you lug the 25 pound car seat out to the car, you will miss me.

That day when you just don't have any more of yourself to give, but somehow you manage to find it as you hope like hell that tiny tinge of resentment you feel doesn't show, you will miss me.

When the laundry piles up, the dishes are all dirty, and everyone wants something from you but you have no energy to even begin to prioritize, you will miss me.

Enjoy every moment you have before I am gone, and always remember that things will truly never be the same. The amazing love you feel for your child and the joy and awe she brings to your life doesn't mean you won't miss me.

Love,

Your pre-mama life.

the hatred for my mom grows...

2010-03-14T10:05:00.004-05:00

My Dad has been staying with us again lately because my mom has started hitting him again, she just hauls off and starts hitting him in the middle of the night when he won't wake up from a dead sleep and have a conversation with her at 3am. Ridiculous.

So he goes to the farm this weekend to get away and try to have a relaxing weekend in spite of his crazy drunk wife and all her drama. He gets a call that his 89 year old (sweet as can be and wonderful) mother has fallen and broken her hip and has to have surgery. So he gets to San Antonio as fast as he can to find out that the same day his father (whose age escapes me but just know he's really old too) has been taken from the nursing home he lives in to the same hospital for a strange pain they can't identify! Worst. Day. Ever. So what does my mom do??? She won't stop calling him to tell him how mad she is that he's been staying with me and that he's keeping me and Keiran away from her. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!?! He should have a loving, supportive wife by his side through this nightmare but instead he's fielding calls from her crazy ass. I am so fucking disgusted with her. All I want to do is tell her to leave us all alone... to stop verbally attacking me and all the people I love.

There isn't any good anymore, she's just all bad now. When she dies it's going to be a shit storm of mixed emotions and I don't know how I'll ever get through it.

bullet point blog time

2010-03-12T07:59:00.003-06:00

my dad is staying with us, that should tell you all you need to know right there.
Keiran rarely cries to get my attention, but the girl suuure does grunt :)
I haven't been a very good housewife lately, things are barely together on my end. Just because I've straightened up and emptied the dishwasher and re-loaded it and stayed on top of the laundry does not mean I'm kicking ass.
On the other hand, so far I'm a fantastic mother.
New goal: less TV, more reading. I really don't watch much "TV" but I do watch movies and netflix shows, so less of that.
I'm more exhausted than I realize.
I need to be a better pug mommy, and make time to play and cuddle with her every day.
I need to eat better for fuck sake. At this rate I'll be HUGE on no time.
I wish I had more time for a real blog.
I realize that being exhausted and trying to do more are not conducive to one another.

the binky controversy

2010-03-08T21:43:00.006-06:00

My daughter is sucking on a pacifier right now. I was one of those people who said they would NEVER give their baby a pacifier. But, after much turmoil and several nights of her puking... this is the best option. Attachment parenting is about meeting your childs needs with love and respect... well, my child has an intense need to suck at night, and she was over feeding and then puking large amounts and just very fussy in general. Thats not right. So my daughter has a need to suck, and I am meeting her need by giving her something to suck on that will not cause her to over eat and puke. I am being a good mommy by doing this... right?

I'm not giving it to her to "plug her up" or even walking away when I give it to her. I give it to her and then hold her, or lay next to her. This is okay. I'm really just writing this for myself. So I can feel better about this. Here's hoping she doesn't get so addicted to it that I'm weaning her off of it later, which is one of the reasons I didn't want to give it to her in the first place.

Ugh, and I just blogged two paragraphs about a fucking binky. Who have I become????

Where the hell does the day go?

2010-03-03T12:41:00.005-06:00

We wake up around 8-9 and then before I know it, it's 2pm and I haven't gotten a thing done... well, besides my most important job of taking care of Keiran.

I'd never dream of trying to train my baby to get on a "schedule" it would still be nice to have more of a routine with her during the day... but she runs the show :)

I have so much to say but little time to sit and type it all out. We are starting a new routine around our house where Cory goes to bed at 10, and since Keiran and I don't "go to bed" til around 1, and that will give me a few hours each night and I'm going to start using that time for me (while I'm not nursing her every 30 minutes during that time) I figure I should get about an hour accumulative. We'll see.

Mama

2010-02-27T12:12:00.003-06:00

I need to talk about my mom more... I need to let all this stuff out so that I don't talk for 30 minutes about my mom anytime someone asks a simple question about her and wants a simple answer. I write about her a lot here, but that doesn't seem to be doing it. I'll start therapy again soon and that should help. I'm so angry at her and I don't know if that will ever go away.

I wish that I could let all this go and focus on the good times we had... but the good times are so long ago and it's hard to see them.

I need to start titling these things.

2010-02-26T17:47:00.000-06:00

I gained 50 pounds while I was pregnant (a lot of it was swelling at the end) and thankfully I'm only hanging on to 20 of those pounds still... but I've also been eating like what you put into your mouth doesn't even matter. I've got to get this under control or I'm going to start gaining... and I vowed to never be 200 pounds again while I'm not pregnant - and it would be awesome if I could start my next pregnancy at my goal weight of 150.

So, I'm thinking about joining weight watchers again. Paying for it and going to the weekly meetings is the ONLY thing that has ever worked for me for any significant length of time. I want to lose 40 pounds total, and I'm 30 years old - almost 31 (oh holy shit!) - and now I've had a baby... I can't let this shit get out of control now or I'm doomed.

Wouldn't it be nice to have a better post-baby body than I did pre-baby? It would certainly help me resent these stretch marks a lot less.

2010-02-16T12:09:00.000-06:00

My Grampa died today.

I knew he would be dying soon, and he's honestly better off.... but it's so weird to know that he's gone.

Motherhood and all that comes with it..,

2010-02-15T22:19:00.005-06:00

oh poor neglected blog.... please let me apologize now for any typos - who knows if I'll even have time to write anything good, much less go back to edit. Keiran is asleep next to me, and we are in the "Hi, I'm Keiran and I wanna sleep for 20 minutes and nurse for 10" phase of the night :)

When she went to sleep I went into auto pilot and started to get my spot ready for sleep, when I looked over at the laptop on the other side of the bed and thought to myself...I need some me time, some time with the computer where I'm not one handed with a nursing baby girl in my lap :) So, here I am with nothing to talk about but her! hah

Motherhood has been the most surreal thing I've ever experienced. I constantly find myself brought to tears overcome with how much I love her and just being in awe of all that she is and the fact that I grew her inside me, pushed her out naturally, and that she is mine. As much as you commit yourself to the person you love, as I have with Cory, and promise and know in your heart that you'll be together there is no relationship in the world like the one you share with your child... and no way that you can prepare yourself for that level of commitment. I need her and she needs me. It's the most committed I've ever been to anyone and it's an amazing feeling. The dark side of this is that (at least for me) it's the most anxiety I've ever felt about anything... ever. The thoughts of anything bad ever happening to her are unbearable, and sometimes uncontrollable and the daunting task of raising her to be the amazing person she deserves to be... man, it's a lot.

We've known each other 5 weeks and I already know her better than I've ever known anyone. I know what her faces mean, what her sounds mean, I know exactly what she needs, and I'm lucky enough to be able to give it to her. Breastmilk, love, a calm voice, a warm place to sleep right next to me, and of course a diaper change about every hour or so :)

More later... it's feeding time :)

2010-01-10T12:00:00.002-06:00

Keiran Alece McKinstry was born today at 6:16am. She weighs 6lbs 5oz, and is 19 3/4 inches long! I'm a MOMMY, officially!! :)

2009-12-29T20:13:00.004-06:00

Cutting all contact with my mom has been one of the hardest things I have ever done and had to continue to do. Especially since lately she has taken to begging me to "come around" via my Dad. He only calls me to say these things so he doesn't have to go home and lie to her that he told me... I told him to feel free to always tell me and that my response would continue to be the same and that he could continuously deliver her the same message: "Jessica said that she loves you very much but she is sticking to her consequence of your relapse because she needs to protect herself and her child from the things that life around an alcoholic brings. When you have been sober 60 days and are actively working your program to stay that way you will be able to speak to her again, and even meet your grand daughter. She promises nothing as far as how close the relationship will be as so much time has gone by and things can never be the same, but she's promised that if you are living sober she will never turn you away."

He's probably told her something like this 3 or 4 times over the last few months every time she begs him to call me and convince me to come around. It makes things easier on him if he can just call me, and honesty at this point these conversations are no sweat off my back and give my dad a much needed chance to vent.

So I saw him the other day and I knew that Mama had been sober for about 2 weeks... he told me that she relapsed on Christmas Eve (and I knew the holiday might be an issue for her, especially since she didn't hear from any of us.) and he had a proposition for me... he wanted me to consider giving her "credit" for those 2 sober weeks if she could sober up and stick to it and make it to 60 days - so basically the 60 days wouldn't be consistent. This didn't sound unreasonable to me, because really what's the difference between 60 straight days and 14 straight days one night of relapse and then another 46 straight days - well, I know the difference. But fuck, she's my mother... I'm about to have a baby and I guess I felt sorry for her. I know this is killing her and it is certainly killing me. I agreed to it. I know that there is a snow balls chance in hell she will actually be sober for more than a few weeks at a time and actually take me up on this 60 day thing.

Here is the thing... since that day I have been thinking hard about what if she does? What if 46 more days go by and she's sober, and going to meetings, etc and that day comes and she wants to see me and Keiran? The thought of this seriously makes me want to hyperventilate. I'm angry at her, I'm fucking pissed off and hurt beyond any feeling word I can even attach to it that my mom has missed this much of my pregnancy because of her alcoholism... how am I going to react when I see her? How can I be normal? How can I put my child in her arms? I've played this scenario over in my head and there is no way it will not be awkward. There is nothing she can say or do that would make those feelings I have go away, because I've heard it all before and been burned. Fuck. I think I liked it better when I knew there was no chance of this. I hope she does get sober and stay that way, but I wish I could just avoid this whole first meeting thing all together if she does. I wish she could just inherently understand that the relationship is damaged beyond repair for me and I can't move on, and be okay with it and leave me alone. I've become more comfortable with the void she's left behind than facing her again.

I don't think I thought this through when I decided to agree to it... I think it's because deep down I know that it isn't going to happen. I've truly lost all hope of ever seeing my mother again. I've had to let it go and try to move on because history has continued to repeat itself and left me a fool, and I can't be that fool anymore. But I am literally haunted by the "what if?"

This just isn't fair at all... I'm a good person and I did not deserve to get the short end of the mom stick. There are terrible people out there with great mothers and I always feel like I got the fucking shaft. I envy my friends when they talk about their mothers, or I over hear them having normal conversations with their mothers, or tell stories about them. I hang onto a few of the good memories I have with her and always wish that weren't surrounded by all the shitty things she's done. But they are, and I'm stuck with it. All I can do is my best at being a much better mother to my daughter and try my best not to make her feel like she got the short end of the mom stick. I know she'll have issues, and I'm not foolish enough to think I won't screw her up in some way (aren't we all a little messed up because of our parents??) - but I'll be damned if my daughter ever utters the words "I did not deserve to get the short end of the mom stick."

2009-12-20T22:36:00.002-06:00

I am so ridiculously emotional these days... I cry over stupid shit. Shit I KNOW is stupid in the moment but I can't even stop it then, it goes something "This is so dumb, why do I feel like I HAVE to cry??? wtf??" And then the tears come and I after that I usually feel better. Cory has gotten good at seeing these moments before they come to tears and has even stopped me and said sweet reassuring things to help me not get so upset - which normally would pop me right out it... but not these days, while I do really appreciate how sweet and wonderful he is, I still HAVE to cry in order to get over it.

Here is a list of things that I find ridiculous but have still brought me to tears over the past couple days:

I was hot, my back hurt and Casey was on his way over to take my pregnancy pictures and I wasn't ready yet and Cory was in the bathroom when I wanted to be.
The manager at Walmart wouldn't let me pee because they'd cleaned the restroom and the floors were still wet.
Costco was completely sold out of something I really wanted.

6 more weeks to go. Oh joy.